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To Fill or Not To Fill
The practice of not back-filling the grave until the mourners have
departed is something I disagree with because, I feel, it lacks finality
but that is only my opinion. In my young days, at funerals, as soon
as the coffin was lowered, “Blessed-clay” was produced from a sugar-bag
and sprinkled on the coffin in the sign of the Cross, the Priest, at
the graveside started with “Thou Lord will open my lips . . “ On
cue a number of the deceased’s neighbours would each take a shovel and
respectfully fill in the clay in on the coffin. By the recitation of the
Hail Holy Queen the resulting mound would have been covered by
sods which had been skinned from a neighbouring field in advance. A few
expert claps with the back of a shovel resulted in a smooth grassy
elevation and Mother Nature would do the rest. The mourners would
depart having seen the last of their loved one. There was a sad
finality about the scene but it was finality.
(Phillipe Aries in Western attitudes to Death said, “ . . .
the dead person should be installed in a sort of house unto himself, a
house of which he was the perpetual owner, or at least long-term tenant,
a house in which he would be at home, and from which he could not be
evicted.”)
The burying of the dead is a primitive instinct. Some of the
more intelligent species bury their dead. Chimpanzees, elephants, and
ants have been known to bury their dead. Some ants will bury any dead
ants they encounter, whether of their own or another ant species.
Not everybody agrees with me but Thomas Lynch celebrated poet-undertaker, who wrote in the New York Times, “ . . .the presence of the dead at their own funerals has become strangely unfashionable.” says, “I'm
in entire agreement with you. Your instincts and articulation of them
are spot on. In West Clare the grave is backfilled by family and
neighbors and it is a high honor to have the shovel passed to you and be
part of the holy job. As is, indeed, being part of the company of
local men who open the grave the day before, collect the bones of the
longer dead and rebury them in a corner of the new grave. These are
"corporal" works of mercy because they involve the bodies of the dead,
and the bodies of the living. There is no way to phone it in or farm it
out.”
Another undertaker told me,“We simply comply with the wishes of the priest, as he is ever the only person to direct us either way.”
Psychologically, those who walk away from an open grave must
have a sense of unfinished business. Current protocol dictates that
everything must be done in as hurry; we live in an instant world. As
poet/writer Michael Gallagher says, “Only the bare decade nowadays
and even that seems to go on forever. The grave diggers are on a Fás
course and must get back. And didn't the hotel say strictly half twelve
for the sandwiches!”
Psychologists and the US funeral industry, claim that by
interring a body away from plain view, the pain of losing a loved one
can be lessened. Watching the clods of earth bouncing on the lid of
the coffin of the one they love may be temporary distressing for some
people. However, Colin McAteer of Woodbrook Natural Burial Ground told
me, “On a number of funerals that I attended at Woodbrook a few
people came over to me when the men started to back-fill the grave
telling me that they did not think that it was appropriate – all without
exception came back up to me afterwards saying that it was the right
thing to do and that it gave a certain finality or ending point to the
funeral and the life of the deceased.” Colin went on to say, “I
personally think it is the right thing to do – I also believe that
insurance laws should be changed to allow people to help. If you choose
to pick up a shovel to help back fill the grave the graveyard operator
should be free of blame if you pull a muscle or something like that. At a
time of a funeral people want to help – they don’t want to stand around
with their two arms the one length - it gives people a sense that they
have helped a friend in need or that they have done one last thing for
the deceased. To me it does help a little with the grieving process and
should be encouraged.”
If it is the desire of the deceased or the relatives to
postpone the back-filling that is OK but when they are bound by
regulations which remove that choice it is a different matter.
In other areas of Irish life we hear a lot about “Pro-choice”
and “closure”, surely a person should have a choice in their final
decision.
Local authorities are sometimes blamed for not giving the
choice but not one of the County Councils that I contacted has any
regulations prohibiting back-filling in the presence of the mourners.
Gerry Gillen of Longford County Council says, “It would not be
acceptable to many communities if the Council was to dictate how funeral
services and burials are conducted... This practice has crept in as it
was considered to be upsetting for family members to have to listen to
the sounds of the stones and earth falling on the coffin. If it is of
any use to you my experience of attending funerals in Clare has been
that there are traditions which are widely upheld. Family members,
neighbours and friends assist with both the digging of the grave and the
backfilling of it. If a neighbour did not assist it would be taken as
an insult. Even elderly people who might otherwise not do physical work
make a special effort to participate as this is seen to be an
acknowledgement of the regard in which the deceased person is held in
the local community.”
With Town Councils, on the other hand, it appears to be a
different story. Mallow Town Council has alerted all undertakers
operating in Cork County of its new policy which states that, “back-
filling should commence immediately after all mourners have left the
cemetery and be completed fully on the same working day.”
However a spokesperson for Wexford County Council told me, “While
I appreciate that this is a very sensitive issue, I would have serious
concerns about volunteers/relatives being allowed to either dig or fill
in graves. The employment of grave diggers is solely the responsibility
of the Undertaker. As the Council has no role in their employment, they
would not be covered under the Council’s Employers Liability Insurance
Policy. I would not recommend allowing it unless you are sure of their
competency and can provide adequate insurance cover, in case of an
accident (our Insurance Company recommends Employers Liability cover of
€12.7m)."
One man who had recently buried his father told me, “My opinion is that it is better to wait until the relatives have left the grave before the grave diggers do their work.”
Graham Gleasure of Brief Journey.com says, “My
opinion is that watching the earth fall and the grave closing does not
necessarily bring any further closure to most people. I feel that the
local tradition holds more sway in what the individual "expects" as to
how they should feel.”
A Bandon Undertaker told me, “ In most places now, the
grave is not covered until the family have departed, but if the
family want to, I have no problem in allowing that to happen, . . .
my own personal opinion is its very nice to see the family involved,
it’s an old Irish tradition."
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